300+ Funny, Clever Status Updates for Facebook and Twitter

Once you get creative and unique user names for your social media like Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram then you need some funny and clever statuses to post on it. So, here in this article, we will provide you a huge collection of  Funny, clever, and witty status updates for Facebook and Twitter. Apart from Facebook and Twitter, you can post them on your Instagram, Snapchat, Whatsapp, and other social media platforms.

These funny and clever statuses will help you in getting more followers on your Facebook and Twitter. Moreover, you will grab people’s attention by posting one funny status on your FB or Twitter. So, why late guys? let’s start finding your favorite status from this guide and happily post it on your social media and get more likes and followers.

Funny Quotes, Status for Facebook

• Lucky for you, mirrors can’t laugh out loud.
• Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
• If something’s not going right, try left.
• About to dance my feet silly!
• Smile while you still have teeth.
• I love my bed, but I’d rather be in yours.
• Why bother reading books? We have Eminem; he can read a whole story in 4 minutes.
• I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
• Wife: I’m pregnant, what do you want it to be? Husband: A joke.
• Everyone is normal until you add them as your Facebook friend.
• Relationship Status: COMING SOON
• You can’t be late until you show up.
• Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.
• Sarcasm helps keep people from understanding you’re saying what you really think of them.

Sarcastic statuses and quotes for Facebook

• I once prayed to God for a bike, but quickly found out He didn’t work that way—so I stole a bike and prayed for His forgiveness.
• A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a workstation…
• You can’t be late until you show up.
• War doesn’t determine who’s right—it determines who’s left.
• If you think things can’t get worse, it’s probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
• Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
• Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
• Books have the knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn’t pay. So if you keep reading, you’ll go broke.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• It may look like I’m doing nothing, but I’m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
• Every rule has an exception, especially this one.
• History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives. ~ Abba Eban
• The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced. ~ Frank Zappa
• Don’t let your mind wander—it’s too little to be let out alone.
• Life’s a bitch; if it were easy it’d be a slut.
• I’d call you a tool, but even they serve a purpose.
• Death is life’s way of telling you that you’ve been fired. Suicide is your way to tell life, “You can’t fire me, I quit!”
• Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

Best statuses for facebook and twitter to get more ikes

• May your life someday be as good as you make it out to be on Facebook.
• LIKE if you hate it when someone tags you in a photo, you look horrible in because they happen to look so good in it.
• Phew! Thank you, warning label. I was actually considering using my toaster in the shower this morning.
• Looking at school books and thinking: what a waste of a tree!
• Nobody around here treats me like a glamour model, so I’m just going to sit here taking selfies by myself.
• Why didn’t you reply to my text? Well, how am I supposed to reply to LOL?
• Line dancing was originally invented by women waiting in line for the bathroom.
• Don’t tell me the sky’s the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
• Nothing is illegal. Until you get caught.
• Friends are like boobs: some are real, some are fake.
• Birthdays are good for your health. Studies show those who have more Birthdays live longer.
• A big shout-out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money!
• Hi, I’m James. Let’s bond.
• T.G.I.A. (Thank goodness I’m awesome!)
• Sometimes I prefer to use my face as emoticons.
• I think it’s cool how the word “OK” is a sideways person!
• Today is the first day of the rest of your life, and if that doesn’t work out for you, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.
• Keep calm and know Google can help you find a way to fix almost every problem. If not it will tell you who can fix it.

Hilarious statuses and quotes

•  I wouldn’t say you’re stupid. You are, but I wouldn’t say it.
•  If at first, you don’t succeed, destroy any evidence that you ever tried.
• Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
•  I have a busy day ahead: I have trouble starting, rumors to spread, and people to argue with.
•  I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.
• I once stood in the back and said, “Everyone attack!” but it didn’t turn into a Ballroom Blitz.
•  Learn from Pandora’s mistake—think outside the box.
•  Don’t look now, but I’m hiding under your bed.
• Oxymoron: When an astronaut feels under the weather.
• Freedom means the right to yell, “THEATRE!” in a crowded fire.
•  I wonder if Ikea has a decaf coffee table.
•  If a mute person burps, does it make a sound?
•  I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said, “Parking Fine.”
•  Finding a job in this economy is like playing Where’s Waldo?—except that Waldo is looking for a job, too.
• Today, I saw a commercial for the Snuggie. I thought it was a stupid idea, but I couldn’t change the channel because I was under a blanket and didn’t want my arms to get cold reaching for the remote.
•  Words can only hurt you if you try to read them. Don’t play their game.

Clever statuses for your Facebook and Twitter

• Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
• When I get a pimple on my tongue, I always feel guilty in case I’ve told a white lie.
• I dance like a car dealership’s inflatable tube man.
• I tried being normal once. Most boring hour of my life.
• You didn’t notice that I used a word twice in this sentence.
• A fact of life: After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F.
• The first five days after the weekend are always hard.
• I am 100% done with today and about 37% done with tomorrow.
• At first, I didn’t like my beard; then it grew on me.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• “What’s up cake?” “Muffin much.”
• I don’t have goals. The goals are for soccer. I’m not soccer.

Good Statuses for FB and Twitter that will get more comments

• I forgot to work out today. That’s five years in a row!
• If I went to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn’t at work.
• I hate it when I’m singing a song, and the artist gets the words wrong.
• That moment when you try talking to someone you’re hot for, and you say GFBLQRINABAH instead of “I’m good thanks!”
• The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
• You look like I need a drink.
• Trust me; you can dance. ~ Vodka
• I’m not weird. I’m just cooler than you.
• Haircuts are the reason why I have trust issues.
• That awkward moment when you wave to a stranger on Facebook by accident.
• I wasn’t drunk; I was just testing if the plant was as soft as my bed.
• Dip me in chocolate and call me dessert.
• That awkward moment when you have a crush on the most inconvenient person possible.
• I put the ‘Me’ in ‘Someone,’ and things get awkward.
• Stop calling yourself hot, the only thing you turn on is the microwave!
• That moment when someone you met for 3 seconds sends you a Facebook friend request.

Witty status updates for FB and Twitter

• I just don’t know how to react when someone sends me a selfie. I mean, should I say “Wow! You really got yourself at the perfect angle in that restroom!”
• That moment when the random person you just met asks for your full name, and you know it’s because they want to stalk you on Facebook.
• The hardest thing our kids will do in 20-30 years is finding a username that isn’t already taken.
• I’m a good girl. With a lot of bad habits.
• Aren’t we ALL internet explorers?
• I’ve been known to flash people (with my camera).
• If Twitter wasn’t around in the olden days why is there a hashtag button on landlines?
• I press all the “Try Me” buttons on toys and then walk away LIKE A BOSS.
• I without you is like Facebook with no friends, YouTube with no videos, and Google with no results.
• Girls are beautiful, not hot. They are not a temperature.
• Dear friends, please don’t tag me in a photo that is so prehistoric you have to scan the photo to make it digital. No one here is into studying history, sincerely everybody born before 2010.
• Don’t think too much or you could create a problem that wasn’t even there.
• Without a candy crush, I’d be like a kid with no candy!
• Telling me you’re going to unfollow me is like announcing you’re leaving a party you weren’t even invited to.
• I did not say I didn’t want to work. I said I didn’t want to twerk!
• Cheese. Milk’s leap towards evolution.
• My mum’s so old-fashioned she thinks LOL = Lots of love. She sent me an SMS saying just to let you know you’re Pa is in the hospital LOL.
• I’m following you on Twitter because my mum always told me to follow my dreams.
• Everyone is normal until you find them on Twitter.
• Tired? There’s a nap for that.